Kind Hearts Don't Buy Cute Purses

We have been blessed with beautiful daughters.  Or cursed, depends on whom you ask.  Our daughters are also incredibly talented.  It's almost not fair.

Almost.

Because God likes things fair.  So while bestowing them with beauty and talent, he may or may not have short changed them in one little area.

Brains.

Now before you get all wound up, I'm not saying they are dumb as a box of rocks or anything.  I'm just saying that all four of them have a tendency to say things that don't make sense.  To anyone.  They have in fact, embraced their inability to fire up their brain cells before they open their mouth.  Two have a twitter page together so that we can all share in the fun.

@KateGraceSays

This one here may or may not be the brains of the group.  But that's not saying a whole heck of a lot.  While out applying for a job, she kept texting her mom because she didn't understand some of the questions on the application.  When it asked how long she lived at her current residence, she wrote 'always'.  

She also wants to know what the difference between a Honda and a Hyundai are.  Cause the only difference she can see is that one of them have a tilted H.

This one here isn't just beautiful, she is an incredibly talented photographer.  I can't wait for her to come see us and take some family pictures.  

While she's here, I won't ask her to tutor the little kids.  In History class, she once told her teacher that Rosa Parks played a huge part in the Civil War when she helped free those slaves.  You know, on that Underground Greyhound.  Bless her heart, she did graduate high school and is starting college soon.  We are guessing she won't be a history major.

This one.  Oh heck, where do we start?  Probably in the science classroom.  During her yearly standardized testing for science, she handed her test back to the teacher because she though it was in the wrong language. She didn't recognize the word paramecium so the thought the whole thing was in spanish.  Bless her little heart.  She sings like an angel, though.  So as long as her future career involves more singing than science (or spanish), she'll be ok.  

This one is mine and it's a darn good thing she has four older teenage brothers.  They help dad chase off any little twerps who come sniffing around. 

I'm not sure about the quality of her education because she called me from school the other day.  She was upset because the teacher told her Japan was an island.  It confused her because she didn't realize that China was an island.  Don't worry, I was a little lost too.  Then she went on to say that she thought Japan was a city in China and how can a country have an island in it.  You won't believe how astonished she was when I explained to her that Japan was not a city in China. 

Isn't she pretty?

We can only hope that the four of them marry well.  I'm not saying we want them to be gold diggers, but it's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man. Our daughters know what we are talking about.  One said that she is smart enough to not marry someone just because they have a kind heart.  Cause kind hearts don't buy cute purses.

Bless y'alls heart!

Michelle

Yep, I'm fake. Got a problem with that? I mean anyone other than that one broad.

Generally I ignore haters cause, you know, haters gonna hate. Unfortunately for one hater, she pissed me off while working through the five stages of grief and it just so happens that my current stage is anger. Bless her heart.

Apparently, this post from almost two years ago pissed this gal off and she decided my belief one should wear make-up when leaving the house out of politeness for the general public to be "exactly the kind of bull crap stuff that is wrong with this country." Really? Twenty innocent babies got killed in their first grade classroom three days ago, and a tongue and cheek post about wearing make-up in public so as not to scare the masses is what's wrong with this country? AND she used bad grammar? Oh. hell. no.

If you read the comments, you'll see things got uglier than a chick without mascara first thing in the morning. This would also be where she called me fake. Vain would've been the better choice of word, but what the hell does she know? However, if we're going with fake, let me give you a run down.

My boobs? 100% silicone.

My hair color? Hasn't been its natural color in so long I'm not altogether sure what it is anymore.

The amount of time it takes me to get ready each morning? Almost two hours because I wear not one, but different kinds of mascara (one to lengthen and one to add fullness) and I blow dry, roll and flat iron my hair every single morning.

All this? Is not a problem for the entire country. It's mainly a problem for NJ and anyone waiting to go anywhere with me. 

Wanna know something else about me? Today, more 15 and 16-year-olds than I can count on two hands hugged me and brought me gifts and sent me text messages telling me they loved me and I'm their favorite teacher when I Ieft school almost in tears to go sign all the papers, including a DNR, so hospice can come in take care of my father-in-law for the few remaining days we have with him. Those same kids told me they knew I would protect them if anything happened at our school like what happened Friday in CT, but they would want to protect me, too. 

 My daughter, the one I raised pretty much on my own her entire life, sang a beautiful song for her Papaw tonight even though he was too sick to attend her concert and she'd been in tears 20 minutes before she took the stage because he no longer recognizes her. She did an amazing job and paid him an amazing tribute and it was her idea, not mine.

And? While I do consider myself to be all powerful and some marketers call me an "influential mommy blogger" (because they apparently don't actually read my posts), I am NOT the problem with this country. Bitter people who take the frustrations in their own life out on people they don't even know and who are so miserable they can't take a damn joke are the problem. People who hate other people for having things they want and lash out against them are the problem.

But a chick with an unnatural love with mascara? 

I'm just funny and cute. 

And a gigantic bitch with whom one should not tangle.

A moment of silence

Edna Milton Chadwell has passed away.


For those of you who don't know who this is, Miss Edna was the last madam at the famed Chicken Ranch.  Yes, it was a real place and no, I'm pretty sure that Miss Edna didn't sit down and give Dolly any tips on playing her character.  As a matter of fact, Miss Edna didn't really care for the movie that made her little establishment famous.  


As much as we all want to imagine Miss Dolly and the girls as such upstanding citizens who were not given a fair opportunity to do business, they were in fact, just a house full of whores.


Miss Edna said that the only thing accurate about the movie was that there was a whorehouse in the town.  


I hate to admit it, but I am old enough to remember Marvin Zindler, Eye Witness News.  Although, I was very young when the chicken ranch got shut down, and my devoutly christian grandmother never would have allowed such information to pass my ears.  This is the same grandmother who blacked out the boobies on the mermaids on my Spanish Bingo cards.  If I was not allowed to see the chi chi's on La Sirena, I certainly would not have been allowed to hear of a house of ill repute so close to our home.


I'm offering this moment of silence to Miss Edna, a woman who knew exactly what she was and made no apologies for it.  A commendable thing.

Bless Your Heart!

 

The Southern Girl Gang had quite the day.  They got here last night and we had a couple of adventures (of course) but we’ll get to those later. 

Today we started it off with a little coffee and beignets.  After lounging around for a bit, we had a little lunch and began the first taste testing of our signature drink.  It was good.  Real good.  So good in fact a couple of us may or may not have done a little shopping at the Kmart while under the influence.  Shopping at the Kmart while drunk tipsy happy can be quite the adventure.

We were able to convince That Man to accompany us to dinner, where we went to watch a friend of his who was playing live music.  We asked the hostess (who did not possess the mostest I might add) to sit on the side where the music was being played.  She told us there were no tables in that section but we could have a table in another section after a 15 minute wait.  That Man had already walked the section where the music was and saw several empty tables but we still agreed to wait the 15 minutes for a table. 

While waiting we walked over to listen to the music, which was to serve a two-fold purpose – we were out of the way of the door and were able to still listen to our friend play while we waited for our table.  Hagatha the hostess walked up to us and said, “I said there weren’t any tables over here.” I looked at her with shock and said, “We’re listening to our friend.  Chill out.”  

It was about this time that another waitress was able to find us a table on the music side.  We told Hagatha that she could take our name off the list because someone else was able to find us a table.  Lord a mercy – I thought her wound-too-tight bun was going to snap off and fly across the room like a rubber band shot off the fingers of third grade boy. 

We sat at our table and lickity-splt, Hagatha was right there.  She told us we could sit there but we were not being served for a very, very long time or, we could sit at the table where she wanted us to sit and we would be served right away.  Christy sweetly and with a big smile told her it was fine, we would wait. After waiting for about an hour, we finally decided that we were not going to sit in time out anymore and went to another restaurant.  The Texas girls loved it and we laughed and giggled all through supper.

When we got back to my house, we were able to finalize the recipe for the signature SGG cocktail.  Want to know what it’s called?  Ready for this? The ‘Bless Your Heart’.  It’s so tasty and delicious. 

Here’s the recipe:

Southern Girl Gang’s “Bless Your Heart”

• 1/2 Gallon prepared County Time Lemonade
• 1 1/3 cup Firefly Skinny Tea (Sweet Tea Vodka)
• 2/3 cup Triple Sec
• 2 Cups Cranberry Juice

Mix well and serve chilled over ice. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to finish this pitcher glass and enjoy hanging out with these girls.

Bless y’alls hearts now!

Leiah

What Was That Again?

Recently, I used a phrase at work that my co-worker swears she’d never heard before.  Well, that got me to thinking about all the things we say here in the South. Maybe you’ve heard them and maybe not, but we thought we’d  share with y’all some of the more favored sayings here below the Mason-Dixon line. 

“He’s shakin’ like a dog sh*tting peach pits.”
(Translation: “Oh my, he is perhaps a tad frightened.)
“Well, knock me down and steal my teeth!” or “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!”
(Translation: “Well, that’s the most amazing, unbelievable thing I’ve heard recently.”)
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
(Translation: I cannot believe you would say such a thing. You should really re-think that.”)
“Those icy roads out yonder are slicker than possum snot.”
(Translation: “These frigid temperatures have made traveling such a hazard.”)
“Ugh. He’s like a booger you can’t thump off.”
(Translation: “My, oh my. You are a persistent little thing, aren’t you?”)
“I’m busier than a cat coverin’ crap on a marble floor.”
(Translation: “”Whew! This work schedule is such a doozie.”)
“He’s uglier than homemade soap. Bless his heart.”
(Translation: “What a great personality that guy has.”)
“That gal could pop a hem at twenty paces.”
(Translation: “She’s quite a walker.”)
“You’re overcookin’ my grits!”
(Translation: “You are making me really angry right now.”)
“He hit him so hard it knocked sparks off his a$$.”
(Translation: “Wow. That was a powerful punch.”)
“I’m carryin’ Meemaw over to the Piggly Wiggly after dinner.”
(Translation: “I’m taking my grandmother grocery shopping around 1:00.”)
“I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.”
(Translation: “I am really confused about this situation.”)
“He’s as handy as a pocket on the back of a shirt.”
(Translation: “Bless his heart, he really does try.”)
“C’mere and give me some sugar.”
(Translation: “Give me a kiss”)

Oh, and that phrase I used at work? I said earlier that day I had a small come-apart.

Translation: “She just lost her ever lovin’ mind.”

How about y’all?  What’s your favorite Southern saying? 

Until next time,

The Southern Girl Gang

What Was That Again?

 

Recently, I used a phrase at work that my co-worker swears she’d never heard before.  Well, that got me to thinking about all the things we say here in the South. Maybe you’ve heard them and maybe not, but we thought we’d  share with y’all some of the more favored sayings here below the Mason-Dixon line. 

“He’s shakin’ like a dog sh*tting peach pits.”
(Translation: “Oh my, he is perhaps a tad frightened.)
“Well, knock me down and steal my teeth!” or “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!”
(Translation: “Well, that’s the most amazing, unbelievable thing I’ve heard recently.”)
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
(Translation: I cannot believe you would say such a thing. You should really re-think that.”)
“Those icy roads out yonder are slicker than possum snot.”
(Translation: “These frigid temperatures have made traveling such a hazard.”)
“Ugh. He’s like a booger you can’t thump off.”
(Translation: “My, oh my. You are a persistent little thing, aren’t you?”)
“I’m busier than a cat coverin’ crap on a marble floor.”
(Translation: “”Whew! This work schedule is such a doozie.”)
“He’s uglier than homemade soap. Bless his heart.”
(Translation: “What a great personality that guy has.”)
“That gal could pop a hem at twenty paces.”
(Translation: “She’s quite a walker.”)
“You’re overcookin’ my grits!”
(Translation: “You are making me really angry right now.”)
“He hit him so hard it knocked sparks off his a$$.”
(Translation: “Wow. That was a powerful punch.”)
“I’m carryin’ Meemaw over to the Piggly Wiggly after dinner.”
(Translation: “I’m taking my grandmother grocery shopping around 1:00.”)
“I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.”
(Translation: “I am really confused about this situation.”)
“He’s as handy as a pocket on the back of a shirt.”
(Translation: “Bless his heart, he really does try.”)
“C’mere and give me some sugar.”
(Translation: “Give me a kiss”)

Oh, and that phrase I used at work? I said earlier that day I had a small come-apart.

Translation: “She just lost her ever lovin’ mind.”

How about y’all?  What’s your favorite Southern saying? 

Until next time,

The Southern Girl Gang

Merry Glitzmas!

 

Wishing you the Merriest of Christmases and

the shiniest of New Year’s from

The Southern Girl Gang!